Funny of the Day

Plus - Size Models

I'm sure we can all agree, she's gorgeous.

However, she's a size 18 plus size model. I am a size 18, and I WISH I looked like that. I wish. 

So Many Things Wrong With My Life

Super long title for a terribly depressing blog post, yay!

I have spent my day today sweating in an auditorium with 100 people, then sweating on the stage of that auditorium with 250 people. Then, I went to Wawa and bought a giant bag of Smartfood popcorn. Then I drove my friend home. Then I went into my room and ate half the huge fucking bag of popcorn. Then I got sick. Then I ate chocolate. Then I almost fell asleep. Then I called off work. Then I fell asleep for like 3 hours. Then I woke up feeling like shit, so I went downstairs and heated up chinese food to eat. (Because that makes sense). Then I practiced my parts for my church choir's Easter music. Then I watched that show about the amish people with my mom. Then it was 10, so I went upstairs and watched videos on college advice for about two hours. Now it's 12:20 am and I still haven't really felt tired. I have school tomorrow. Then work. I'm going to kill myself. Just kidding. I'm just going to feel sick to my stomach and maybe cry.

Rules of Subway

To all the idiotic members of society who come into Subway... I have written up a set of rules for you to follow, because apparently basic knowledge of sandwiches and common courtesy is too much to expect from today's populace. I've even divided it into categories, just so you all can keep up.

Biggest point: Please remember that I am a full time student, and have a part time job. I have many many things on my mind. I am working this minimum wage job with people who don't speak my language so I can buy clothing, new shoes, and sheets for my college dorm next year. I don't hate you, I just hate the job. I will hate you if you are stupid. See rules below.

Making your sandwich:

1. Speak loudly and clearly.
2. Ask me how my day is going. This will make me much less likely to screw up your sandwich.
3. Don't come up and tell me what you think is your entire order, because you have forgotten something, and I won't remember. Instead, say your order in parts. Example: "Hi, miss. How are you? I'm fine, thank you. May I have a Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki on a footlong Honey Oat bread?" PAUSE "Toasted, with swiss cheese." PAUSE "Lettuce, green peppers, tomatoes, sweet onion sauce, and oregano, please." See how that works?
4. Don't complain unless I've done something to your sandwich that makes it inedible, i.e. put a shoelace in there, or put mayo on a lactose intolerant person's sub. The spinach sometimes turns a very dark green (almost black) because it is in the fridge. It's perfectly edible. 
5. If you order Honey Oat bread and every single vegetable, it's going to break apart. Don't you dare get mad at me for that.
6. If I toast your bread, it's going to fall apart. It's crunchy, for god's sake. 

Cash register:

1. I know it's difficult to remember, but give me your Subway card before your credit card or cash. I can't run it through the computer program after I have completed your sale. I can't "look it up with the phone number", because you don't give a phone number to get a Subway card in the first place. If you really want the 2 points on your card, you can go to the website and register your card, and plug in the receipt details.
2. Wait until I give you your receipt, napkins, and cups to leave. If I forget something, quietly and politely remind me, and I will gladly give you the item I forgot.

Common courtesy / General Rules:

1. Don't fucking yell at me to get my attention. 
2. I don't get paid enough to remember your fucking order.
3. LOOK AT THE PRICES ON THE BOARD. Don't ask me the price for a six inch BMT, look at the board that's facing you, not me, and figure it out for yourself.

Poem

I found this on the interwebs, thought you might like it.

your cell phone vibrates like a pixie on a train.
smooth as a glass baby's
loose Blue Tooth
in Vaseline
you were miles away from my empty pail of rain
a watermark on the moon, maybe
you knew every
thing ?
maybe you do, maybe i'm drinking my lunch.
you amuse the air i breathe through my skin
like a pearl soothes an oyster
in a bed of nails 
and spring.

your breasts are amazing.

you are vishnu at harrods. an airy gorgeous. 
a gourd of palpable kiss.
you are the meaning of senseless joy 
and the engines 
of yes.

Late Night #1

So sick of mean people. Why can't you have a normal conversation and expect basic decency from both parties anymore? Is the idea of courtesy so antiquated that the thought of cutting sarcasm out of your conversations is too much to ask? Maybe technology has made us this way. It is hard to convey emotions and context via media, especially IM or texting.